No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I wish there were birth control emojis
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
