her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
