i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Such a big mess for such a small penis
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
