I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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