Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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