At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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