Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You're a waste of cheezeits
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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