I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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