i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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