I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
