You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
