dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
