if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
