Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
