she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
