Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
