I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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