Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
