The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
