I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
