Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize