I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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