Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
