I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
