I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm really busy with my period
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