I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I have post one night stand depression
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
