my room smells like sperm. sweet.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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