I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
