you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
