I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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