She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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