Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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