Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Randomize
