The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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