Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
