thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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