Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize