you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
