my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
