like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
