why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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