listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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