well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
