Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize