Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
