Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
