i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
