I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
