he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
