I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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