Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Never let your siblings swipe right.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
