Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
