Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I need a burrito and a hug.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
