i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
