Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize