Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
