Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
