Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
