I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Pants are for mortals
Holy shit dude........stairs
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
