u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
