Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
